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Even in homes where you’re doing your best, there’s another voice in the room: the algorithm. If you’re a parent, you’ve probably felt it – that quiet worry that your child’s online world is moving faster than you can keep up with.
And when it comes to boys, many are picking up ideas about masculinity from their feeds long before they’ve had the chance to figure it out in real life. Hyper-masculine content is slick, fast and emotionally charged. It’s hard not to get pulled in, because that’s exactly how it’s been designed.
Yes, they’re watching funny videos and chatting with friends, but they’re also working out who they are. And along the way, social media serves up a steady stream of content that rewards toughness over tenderness. Left unchecked, those messages shape how boys see themselves and how they treat others.
The Netflix series Adolescence shows how quickly that search can spiral when it happens in isolation with devastating consequences. The UK government thought so too. They’ve made the show available in secondary schools, recognising the urgent need to address the influence of online misogyny and toxic masculinity.
But that conversation doesn’t start or end at school. Senior lecturer in social work Dr Sarah Epstein and graduate researcher Pippa Mulley explore how parenting can help redefine masculinity through care, equality and connection, offering a powerful counter to the toxic messages boys absorb through social media.
If you’ve got a boy in your life, chances are you’ve heard the word ‘sigma’ thrown around. In Gen Alpha slang, it means the strongest, the best or someone who doesn’t care what anyone else thinks.
But behind the slang is the sigma male archetype – cool, distant, in control. In Adolescence, the language of the manosphere plays a clear role in one boy’s descent into online radicalisation. It’s a stark example of how social media and toxic masculinity can collide in dangerous ways.
For boys searching for confidence and belonging, this version of manhood can feel like a clear path. And unlike earlier generations, today’s boys are exposed to it constantly, long before a real-world role model.
Boys don’t form their ideas of masculinity in isolation. As Mulley explains, they’re shaped by much more than just who they look up to. Their ideas come from ‘a complex mix of cultural messages, personal values and everyday family dynamics.’
When boys aren’t regularly shown openness or emotional connection at home, social media content steps in to fill the gap, often with values that push them in the opposite direction.
Toxic masculinity influencers deliver masculinity like an amped up lesson plan, teaching boys to speak with authority, suppress their emotions and seek control, especially over women.
The videos are short, sharp and addictive. A 30-second clip about ‘high-value men’ or ‘female nature’ can rack up millions of views on social media. Repackaged into memes, jokes and soundbites that are hard to ignore.
In Adolescence, 13-year-old Jamie gets pulled into this world. He’s exposed to incel ideology, including ‘red pill’ and ‘blue pill’ theories that frame gender as a power struggle.
In The Matrix, taking the red pill means waking up to reality and seeing the world as it truly is. But online, the idea has been twisted to mean ‘waking up to the truth about women’, which is framed as women being manipulative or untrustworthy, and that men are victims of a rigged system. It’s a toxic rewrite of reality that boys like Jamie are absorbing one clip at a time.
And we’re seeing the impact of that influence, with alpha male content fueling rising misogyny in schools and communities.
Research shows that one in four teenage boys in Australia admire alpha male influencers who promote harmful gender stereotypes and excuse violence against women, prompting the Australian Government to roll out programs promoting healthy masculinity.
So, how do you compete with the algorithm? Boys form beliefs about masculinity from everything around them. Two of the biggest influences? Parenting and social media, but they don’t always align.
In Adolescence, the parents are blindsided by what their son has done. They love him but had no idea what he was being exposed to online. It’s a confronting reminder that connection at home matters more than ever.
Feminist parenting offers a way through. It’s not about being perfect, just showing up with care and intention. And let’s be honest, parenting is hard, especially when you’re trying to guide your child through their teenage years and the chaos of social media.
According to Sarah Epstein, ‘Feminist parenting intentionally aims to build gender equality awareness.’ She emphasises that it’s not about teaching a ‘better version’ of masculinity or femininity, but about raising boys to grow into adults who value equality and humanity first. Often, that starts in quiet, everyday moments like encouraging emotional expression, sharing housework and making women’s lives visible.
This kind of care is also a form of violence prevention, helping shift the conditions that allow gender-based harm to take hold. It creates a home where empathy is the norm, not the exception.
Over time, these moments shape how we go about raising boys, giving them confidence to question harmful messages, express what matters and advocate for something better, both online and off.
Social media didn’t invent these ideas about toxic masculinity – it amplifies what culture has already taught. It’s how we speak to boys, what we reward, what we ignore and what we leave unchecked.
From the schoolyard to sport to family life, boys are often praised for being strong and staying in control. Those early lessons teach them that power is what earns respect. That same message is reinforced every time it appears in their feed.
As Mulley puts it, ‘Parents play a central role in shaping how boys come to understand and enact masculinities, and feminist parenting does this with clear and intentional purpose.’
In the wake of the Australian Royal Commission into Family Violence, there’s growing recognition that preventing gendered violence starts early, in the ethical practices we choose and the values that guide them. Feminist parenting brings these together, shaping how we raise boys to be aware, kind and committed to equity and care.
Sarah Epstein describes feminist parenting as a powerful form of prevention. ‘Feminist parents are totally entitled to, and capable of raising boys to understand the world and their role in it in ways that promote social justice and gender equality,’ she says.
This kind of parenting gives boys something algorithms can’t: context. When they grow up in homes where women’s lives are central, not secondary, and where empathy is modelled and valued, they’re more likely to recognise when content crosses a line, even if it’s wrapped up in a viral meme.
Rather than absorbing toxic masculinity uncritically, they start to question it. Not because someone told them to, but because it doesn’t sit right with the values they’ve lived. Feminist parenting lays that groundwork, not just for kinder relationships, but for a culture that actively prevents violence.
No parent wants to face what the family did in Adolescence. In this terrifying age of hyper masculinity and rising violence against women, many are asking what they can actually do.
Feminist parenting isn’t about shielding boys from the internet or discouraging expressions of masculinity. It’s about helping them grow the emotional and ethical tools to move through it with confidence and integrity.
Guidance needs to start early and show up often. Boys need to know it’s okay to be vulnerable, to ask questions and to think critically about what they see online.
Open up conversations about emotions, respect, relationships and the media they consume. If something makes you uneasy, say so and explain why. You don’t need to have all the answers – just make it clear it’s safe to talk.
As Mulley puts it, ‘Keep the conversation going. Raising boys in today’s world means creating space for ongoing, honest dialogue, whether it’s about emotions, about consent, about inequality or about what it means to be a good person. It’s not about having that one big conversation, but instead multiple and ongoing conversations.’
Here are a few things to keep in mind when raising boys in a world of scrollable role models.
Every time you listen with curiosity, lead with care or make space for feelings, you’re planting something real and that’s something no algorithm can compete with. And it’s the small, consistent conversations that help boys grow into men who lead with empathy, not ego.
Senior lecturer, Faculty of Health/School of Health and Social Development at Deakin University.
Lecturer in Social Work, Faculty of Health/School of Health and Social Development at Deakin University.
