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Trigger Warning: This story contains discussion of domestic and family violence.
Imagine you’re settling into your seat for a much-anticipated girls’ night at the movies. Popcorn in hand, post-mix soda ready. The movie starts, and what unfolds blurs the line between romance and coercive control.
This is a story we’ve seen time and again in Hollywood: dangerous behaviour that’s romanticised, misunderstood or worse, trivialised.
But what’s missing from these glossy portrayals in movies is the real complexity of coercive control – a form of abuse that operates through emotional manipulation, fear and control, often leaving deep scars unseen.
There is a need – and, as social media commentary shows us, demand – for movies to more authentically represent coercive control, in turn supporting survivors and educating audiences.
In this article, we’ll explore how coercive control is depicted in movies like It Ends With Us, as well as the problematic nature of these portrayals and the role celebrity advocacy plays in shaping public perceptions.
Monitoring text messages, depriving someone of food or telling them what they can and can’t wear – what do these behaviours all have in common? They’re all forms of coercive control, a pattern of abuse where an individual or group uses manipulative behaviours over time to instil fear, restrict freedom and rob the victim of autonomy.
Unlike physical violence, coercive control often leaves no visible scars, but the emotional and psychological damage can be profound.
By limiting a person’s independence and controlling every aspect of their life, the abuser creates an environment where the victim feels trapped, powerless and constantly on edge.
Movies have the power to shape public perception, especially when it comes to sensitive topics like coercive control.
However, Hollywood often opts for dramatic and exaggerated portrayals, which can skew our understanding of the issue.
‘Movies can be powerful tools for raising awareness about complex issues like coercive control, but they often portray situations in ways that are romanticised and misleading.’ says Laura Burge, Senior Manager, Diversity, Equity and Inclusion at Deakin University.
While these films may bring attention to the topic, they often fail to accurately depict the everyday realities of those affected. Unlike in movies, coercive control often manifests in subtle ways that are difficult to recognise, trapping victims in a cycle of manipulation and fear.
‘Dramatised for effect, movies can present more sensationalised or extreme versions of coercive control like physical violence, uncontrolled rage or extreme jealousy. This distorts what such behaviours can look like in everyday life,’ she continues.
‘Coercive control can in fact be more subtle and gradual than its depiction in movies, undermining a person’s wellbeing and autonomy over time, making it harder to notice.’
Many films present a glossy, oversimplified version of coercive control and domestic violence relationships, often concluding with the affected person walking away unscathed.
The recent film It Ends With Us, based on Colleen Hoover’s bestselling novel, exemplifies this troubling trend by offering a portrayal of domestic violence that minimises the harsh realities faced by survivors.
While it attempts to explore the complexities of abusive relationships, the movie ultimately romanticises coercive control, misleading audiences about these dynamics.
The narrative follows Lily Bloom, a florist, and Ryle Kincaid, a neurosurgeon, whose initial charm swiftly devolves into jealousy and violence. Critics have highlighted that the film simplifies the process of leaving an abusive relationship, depicting it as a straightforward choice.
Lily’s transition to a new apartment glosses over the real dangers of leaving an abuser – threats, stalking and financial instability – and fails to convey the peril that many survivors face.
In reality, survivors may return to their partners multiple times before they make a permanent break, a fact that the film touches on but fails to fully explore.
‘Stigma, shame, financial dependence, practical constraints, isolation, self-blame and guilt, safety fears, and family dynamics amongst many other intersecting factors and circumstances may limit an individual’s ability to leave such a situation,’ Laura explains.
At the end of the film, Lily’s request for a divorce while Ryle holds their newborn daughter is met with a calm response. This misrepresents the true danger of leaving an abusive relationship.
Research from Australia’s National Research Organisation for Women’s Safety (ANROWS) shows that the period after separation is one of the most dangerous, with half of lethal violence occurring within 90 days of leaving.
Moreover, Ryle’s character is portrayed with sympathy, emphasising his troubled past instead of addressing his abusive behaviour. In many ways, this normalises his actions in the movie and dilutes the severity of his coercive control, which disguises manipulation as love.
Critics have also expressed that surface-level dialogue between Lily and her mother felt like a missed opportunity for deeper understanding. The conversation further oversimplifies the difficult decision to leave an abusive relationship and suggests that it’s easy to just walk away – a sentiment that is far from the truth for many victim survivors.
Despite these issues, It Ends With Us does capture some of the complexities inherent in abusive relationships.
Before any physical violence occurs, the film effectively portrays a gradual build-up of subtle red flags, such as jealous micro-aggressions and emotionally manipulative behaviour. These early signs of control, that typically appear long before any physical harm, reflect how coercive control can be insidious and difficult to recognise.
The film’s depiction of three instances of physical violence further illustrates a progression from what Ryle dismisses as ‘accidents’ to overt domestic violence. This resonates with many victim’s experiences, where abusers gaslight them into doubting their perceptions of abuse as it escalates.
However, despite capturing this troubling escalation, the film also stumbles in its handling of Ryle’s character, particularly in moments where his possessive behaviour is framed as romantic.
When Ryle tells Lily, ‘You’re mine’, it reflects a possessive mindset framed as romantic passion, perpetuating harmful stereotypes that suggest love can excuse abusive behaviour.
Ultimately, It Ends With Us offers a narrative that may resonate with many but risks romanticising the complex issues surrounding domestic violence.
It is crucial to portray these stories with the seriousness they deserve, ensuring that audiences are not left with an oversimplified view of coercive control in movies and its devastating effects.
As the It Ends With Us movie stirs debate for its portrayal of coercive control, discussions on social media have zeroed in on the problematic nature of both the film’s content and its promotion.
‘Celebrities using their platforms to discuss important topics can raise awareness, increase visibility, and potentially have an educational impact,’ says Laura.
‘However, this kind of advocacy can also overshadow experts and trivialise serious themes, as seen with Lively’s tone-deaf promotion of the movie as a “rom-com.”’
If you’ve been on TikTok recently, you might have seen heated discussions about Blake Lively’s approach. Critics argue that her promotion has been problematic, especially when she encouraged audiences to “grab your friends and wear your florals” to screenings.
This, alongside a myriad of images of her wearing flower-bedecked frocks, led one commentator to accuse Lively of promoting the film like it’s “the sequel to Barbie.” Such framing trivialises the movie’s serious themes of coercive control and abuse, creating a disconnect that risks making the violence seem less threatening.
@itendswithusmovie 𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚋 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚜. 𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚕𝚘𝚛𝚊𝚕𝚜. #ItEndsWithUsMovie is now playing exclusively in theaters. Get tickets.
In contrast, her co-star and director, Justin Baldoni, has garnered praise for his more sensitive and thoughtful engagement with the subject matter.
Baldoni, a vocal advocate for women’s rights, actively supports initiatives like the nonprofit No More, which focuses on eradicating domestic violence. His emphasis on the complexities faced by survivors highlights the need for authentic conversations, underscoring that leaving an abuser is often fraught with danger and emotional turmoil.
The differing promotional strategies of Lively and Baldoni have sparked a broader conversation about the responsibilities of celebrities in addressing serious social issues, particularly in coercive control movies that seek to represent the realities of abusive relationships.
Lively’s promotional efforts, filled with missed opportunities to discuss resources and support for survivors, diminish the film’s impact.
Without genuine representation of those who have experienced domestic violence, these promotional tactics risk fostering superficial understandings rather than meaningful discussions about the societal structures that keep survivors trapped.
@lesliee.mg both actors did a great job in their roles. But the difference in their press tour spoke very loud about their views on the movies real issue. #itendswithus #iewupresstour
The portrayal of coercive control extends beyond It Ends With Us, with numerous movies romanticising harmful dynamics and oversimplifying the complexities of domestic violence.
For example, Fifty Shades of Grey has faced criticism for framing controlling behaviours as romantic gestures. The movie idealises a relationship that overlooks issues of consent and autonomy. This narrative essentially deems possessiveness and manipulation as acceptable forms of love.
In Twilight, the character Edward Cullen exhibits stalker-like tendencies, yet these behaviours are often portrayed as endearing rather than alarming. This misrepresentation can lead viewers to misconstrue emotional manipulation and jealousy as romantic devotion, trapping them in harmful beliefs about relationships.
The Notebook also perpetuates this theme. Noah’s relentless pursuit of Allie is depicted as passionate rather than problematic. Such portrayals in movies can obscure the reality of coercive control, making it difficult for audiences to recognise warning signs in their own lives.
By prioritising authenticity and sensitivity in storytelling, filmmakers can better represent the dangers of coercive control and domestic violence in movies.
While movies like It Ends With Us attempt an authentic portrayal of coercive control, the reality is far more complex. Understanding the subtle signs can help prevent abuse before it escalates. Laura shares insights to help recognise coercive control in everyday life:
Spotting the subtle red flags of coercive control
Laura emphasises the importance of spotting the subtle signs (or red flags) of coercive control. ‘This might include isolating someone from their support network, emotional manipulation or gaslighting, controlling choices or monitoring activity.’
Even behaviours that seem small at first, like checking your phone or deciding who you can spend time with, are early indicators of deeper issues that could escalate into more serious control.
Recognising gradual escalation
Be mindful of any kind of gradual escalation in controlling behaviours. As Laura points out, ‘forms of coercive control can start quite small and build up over time, making it challenging for those affected to recognise the pattern and understand the full extent of the control.’
By staying alert to these gradual shifts, you can better see when control is creeping in.
Beware of stereotypes
People who use coercive control aren’t always the obvious “bad guy.”
‘Be mindful of stereotypes or cliches about those who perpetrate coercive control,’ Laura says. ‘Such individuals can often be charismatic, charming, respected and well-liked.’
Remember, just because someone seems nice or charismatic in public doesn’t mean they’re not causing harm in private.
Knowing what a healthy relationship looks like
Finally, Laura stresses that understanding the green flags of a healthy relationship is just as important, such as ‘open communication, trust, equality, accountability, affection and appreciation.’
‘Such relationships should make individuals feel safe, respected and valued, not confused, pressured or afraid.’
Supporting someone in a coercive controlling relationship can be challenging, especially when the signs of abuse are subtle. It’s important to approach the situation with care and understanding.
Here are some practical steps you can take:
If you or someone you know is facing coercive control, it’s essential to understand that support is available. Professional services can offer guidance, safety planning and resources to help you regain control and find your path forward.
Here are some valuable resources to consider:
In an emergency, contact 000. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call emergency services right away. Your safety is the priority.
While movies and media have the power to shape our understanding of complex issues like coercive control, it’s essential to recognise when these portrayals fall short.
Misrepresentation of coercive control in movies not only distorts public perception but can also perpetuate harmful stereotypes and minimise the realities faced by survivors.
Authentic depictions matter. By shifting away from sensationalised or romanticised narratives, filmmakers and media can play a crucial role in raising awareness, providing education and supporting those affected by coercive control.
As we become more mindful of the media we consume, it’s important to advocate for truthful representations that foster empathy and understanding.
Ultimately, accurately portraying coercive control in movies demands a balance of honesty and sensitivity.
By prioritising authenticity over dramatisation, we can contribute to a broader understanding of this form of abuse and offer a more informed, compassionate lens through which to view and address it.
If you or someone you know is affected by coercive control, don’t hesitate to seek support from organisations that specialise in helping survivors.
Senior Manager, Gender Equity, Respect and Inclusion, Deakin University
